I may post soon about video games, specifically Mass Effect, but first I need to finish school. And Mass Effect 3.

9:17 pm  •  16 April 2012

that hazydrunk
make-music love-making
easy/queasy intimacy
i want to love you with my ears
i want to love you with my smile

it would be nice to be religious
to have faith in an Other
to believe that musicmygod
might possess me

still

music moves me as i can’t move myself

4:04 pm  •  17 January 2012  •  3 notes

School has started up again. This week I went to the first class of my Science Fiction course, not entirely sure it was something I would enjoy, but after even one lesson I feel incredibly stoked about reentering the education process. This class is reviving my former passion for reading, something that has been LONG overdue.

When I say I used to be passionate about reading, let me explain it to you this way:

1. An entire wall of my bedroom is taken up by bookshelves. It’s a pretty big wall. It does not contain all my books.

2. When I was a kid (and by that I mean between the ages of, say, eight and sixteen) I was a reader. People knew me as the girl who read all the fucking time. I don’t mean this as an example of how I was a special snowflake, I mean to show that it was an inherent characteristic of my identity. I used to carry at least two books with me wherever I went, just in case I finished one or got bored of it but wanted to keep reading. My parents had to frisk me for books when we went to synagogue or family events or anything remotely social. I much preferred to engage in the world of literature than the world of socialization. I used to pack at least a dozen books on family vacations because I was terrified of running out. My parents would scold me for reading at the table; I would read in the car even though it made me carsick; my legs would fall asleep in the bathroom because I would forget to get off the toilet because I was too busy reading. I used to love reading. And then I stopped doing it.

For the past few years my passion for reading has been more or less dead, to my shame. I have replaced the hours of reading with my iPod and my computer. These are now my tools to fill every moment of unoccupied time the way books used to. While I admit my dependency on these things is probably less than healthy, I don’t think they’re entirely without value either; I don’t think anyone would see my “innocent precocious childhood passion” for books the way they may see my time-consuming internet addiction, but both behaviours are born from the same two desires: I need escapism, and I need to exercise my imagination. To an extent, these things are tied, but the internet does give me something books alone can’t: a sense of community and communication.

This blog post was intended to be about books alone, but I realize I can’t talk about my relationship with books without at least mentioning my relationship with the internet. Anyway, back to the point.

These are the books I will be reading in my Science Fiction course this semester:

• The Time Machine, H.G. Wells
• Out of the Silent Planet, C.S. Lewis
• Childhood’s End, Arthur C. Clarke
• A Canticle for Leibowitz, Walter Miller
• The Left Hand of Darkness, Ursula K. Leguin
• Trouble on Triton, Samuel R. Delaney
• Neuromancer, William Gibson
• Oryx and Crake, Margaret Atwood

This is a list in progress of other books I intend to read in the near future:

• The Vorkosigan Saga, Lois McMaster Bujold (I started the first book this summer)
• Some books from the Ender’s Game universe (I read the first three last year but I want to revisit them)
• The Tripods trilogy by John Christopher (which I read when I was very young and fascinated me on a visceral level)
• More HG Wells
• More late 19th century/early 20th century science fiction/speculative fiction
• Any suggestions?

12:35 pm  •  6 January 2012  •  1 note

i wanted to play guitar late last night
but i didn’t
because i had to work this morning

anyway i don’t think i can play guitar yet
i have to work guitar for a while first

i can play the flute
i worked the flute for sixteen years
i can play it now
if ‘play’ is the word you use when
you let your body take over
while your mind watches
i want to play guitar now
because somewhere between the mind-soaring
and the knowing body
i’ve become a musical robot
skilled but not passionate
so i want to play guitar now

i want to play art too
i want to invest my self-worth
in something worthy
like art
and music
and friends
i want to exercise my passion.

i don’t think i want to play friends
i think i need to work friends
i don’t want to have friends while my mind watches
disconnected from the body reading the sheet music
i don’t want to have friends so i can blog about it

“i don’t want to live to document my moments.
i don’t want to see a sunset and reach for my iPhone” says amanda palmer
whose life i envy through her blog posts
who blogs and tweets her passion
for people like me
who can’t live that life yet

i don’t care about sunsets or have an iPhone
but sometimes i think i need to document my life
in order to find something to care about
in the spaces between the big and far between events
that capture me in the moment

and sometimes i think
i just want an iPhone so i can document my life
instead of living it

but of course my parents want to protect me from that
and so i fiercely crave it
fuck this shit
i’m going out.

7:22 pm  •  2 January 2012  •  3 notes

9:03 pm  •  22 December 2011

i want to grow my heart like you want to stretch your ears
put something big into a small space
the swelling goes down after a while

i want to grow my heart like you want to work out again
follow the right patterns and go through the motions until
the body remembers how to do the difficult things easily

and then i am healthier than i was before? 

3:13 am  •  21 December 2011  •  1 note

happy is a good feel to have

sometimes i cant have all the feels because i am too busy having the happy feels to have any other feels like the bad noisy ones that crunch the happy with static

2:52 am  •  19 December 2011  •  1 note

but i think that night just was the poem

1:02 am  •  19 December 2011

12:50 pm  •  17 December 2011

heylittlejess:

E. E. Cummings

(Source: doriris)

12:27 am  •  17 December 2011  •  50,862 notes